i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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