i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
