If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We need to rekindle our bromance
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
