TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Send help, water and tortillas.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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