remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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