I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
