bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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