Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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