if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
