you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
