I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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