i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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