Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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