Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
