his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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