When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
