my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
