I just threw up on my dentist
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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