Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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