I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I want her autograph on my taint
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
