ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
