***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
