I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
