I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
