i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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