FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
