I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
