"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
