an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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