3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
