before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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