I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
