I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
