My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
