Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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