at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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