Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
