I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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