i already hear my dad disowning me
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
