i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
