My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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