I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
