Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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