On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't make out with my wife yet
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
