i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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