I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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