85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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