There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
