3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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