Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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