if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
