Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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